When Mentors Are Monsters
As I sat there in my late 90’s Volvo wagon, my eyes welled up and a visceral outpouring of emotion overtook my body. What had I just endured? What had I done to elicit such a verbal lashing from a man of God that I had looked up to for so many years? Why didn’t I stand up and stop the verbal onslaught?
Flash back to my first paid ministry role. Having worked in a large Seattle based coffee corporation for the majority of my college years and into my mid-twenties, I was accustomed to the shadow side of managing employees. However, through this corporation, I had also been trained in policies and procedures that upheld the core values of dignity and respect. This resulted in the navigating of very difficult interpersonal dynamics while treating people of diverse backgrounds with care. Enter the ministry job: as I sat in my first ever staff meeting, I observed fellow pastors and leaders treating each other in a way that would lead to corrective action and possibly termination in a corporate environment. I looked on as leaders powered up on each other as though they were merely pawns used to accomplish self-aggrandizing agendas. I remember leaving the meeting filled with despair. Shouldn’t people who follow Jesus act like him in a leadership meeting? I had expected that leading in the church and in the corporate workplace would be a contrast, but I had wrongly assumed that the church would be the distinguishing light in the darkness.
If you’re like most folks in ministry, this has happened at least once. You’ve seen behind the curtain of church leadership only to find a mess or maybe worse, significant carnage. How can the very ones who proclaim love, grace, peace, forgiveness, and the like be so overtaken by darkness that they indulge in the very ugliness that they publicly combat?
Let me pause and say, “I’m so very sorry for the wounds that you may have received at the hands of those you looked to for care, shepherding, and leadership!” It’s sad and I believe that it breaks God’s heart.
As I write this blog, I just observed the one year anniversary of being terminated from a denominational job. The termination was not based on performance or character, but because I had asked for a meeting with my supervisor and the board of the organization. Instead of having that meeting, my supervisor sent me home with the essential contents of my office. Months later, after some uncovering by the board, this supervisor was terminated because of an abuse of power and a long history of broken and unrepaired relationships. Fast forward 6 more months (just following the one year anniversary of my termination) I heard the news that this leader, having not repaired the damaged relationships, was being reassigned to pastor in another district under the same denomination… (no comment).
I share all this to say that I, probably like you have had multiple encounters where I was wounded by friendly fire. In fact, I want to share my story, because I know that friendly fire can be the most devastating. I have personally experienced how it can wreak havoc on our spiritual and emotional lives. It can cause us to grapple with concepts of God’s sovereignty and power. Beyond that, without healing, it can leave the wounded in a tailspin of emotion and even toxicity.
How did we get here? Why is this such a common experience in Christian leadership? We all have a capacity for atrocity. Jesus’ radical gospel highlighted this reality. Who is the adulterer? Who is the murderer? Any of us who have had a lustful or angry thought possess the capacity for atrocity.
Every person has a dark side tendency. In Overcoming The Dark Side of Leadership by McIntosh and Rima they explore these tendencies. Their list describes leaders that are co-dependent, paranoid, compulsive (controlling), narcissistic, and passive aggressive. When a leader’s influence grows, often so does their dark side. It’s as though their successes are a smoke screen that blinds themselves and others to the toxicity that they exude. This reality is why some of the most influential leaders are capable of some of the greatest atrocity. Substance abuse, sexual misconduct, theft, abuse of power, and suicide have topped the recent list.
We are all fragile vessels and it is in our weakness that God’s strength is made complete. However, in order for that to happen, leaders must tirelessly pursue humility through confession. Not only that, the goal of the leader has to be to point people to the God who does the miraculous work of ministry. Too often, instead, the leader stands in the way of pointing to God and seeks to point to themselves. This act feeds the dark side.
We, as leaders never move past the need for humility, accountability, and confession. If we are not growing and uncovering new areas in our lives that the Holy Spirit wants to address, we are in a dangerous place. This is why so many leaders have found the need for spiritual direction and counseling. It’s a gift to have someone walk alongside and point you to Jesus’ transforming work. We never graduate past the need for this healing and transforming work.